451. Seconds chances and friendship

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Wow. Been awhile since my last update in here. The holidays truly got the best of me. I'll get back into gear with things here in 2007, which isn't that far off now is it? This year seems to have gone by so fast. So much has changed in my life. Good changes that I didn't think were so good at the time. I lost friends, and I gained new ones. It's kind of weird how you meet people. They can come into your life at the strangest times, and then they just seem to stick. I'm not the best person at making friendships. I'm quiet. I stay to myself. I'm the kind of girl that likes to lurk among the shadows and just live my days to myself. Perhaps it is the writer in me that is that way. I see changes in my own friendships. I've walked away from some, and others have walked away from me. Sometimes it hurts, but more often than not it is supposed to end up that way. It is better in the long run for both parties.

I've seen friendships around me end and start. I've seen second chances once too many. Sometimes friendships are supposed to end. Sometimes there is just too much. Yet, the last thing you want to do is deny someone friendship, but I sometimes don't get how people can keep giving someone chance after chance. Sometimes things aren't meant to work out. You live your life, but sometimes I just want to take those around me and shake them a little. Maybe it is because I just don't want to see them hurt. I'm protective of those around me. I'd do just about anything for my friends if I'm able to do it. All they have to do is ask, and sometimes they don't even have to ask because I'll just end up knowing something isn't right. I have a good sixth sense like that. No matter what my friends do with their own lives I will support them. I won't control what they do.

I'll still be there, even if I'm sitting here wanting to pull them back and lock them in a room until they get whatever crazy idea they have in their heads out of it. It's like some people might actually like having people around them that have proven themselves untrustworthy. You just have to cross your fingers and hope it doesn't happen again. That's all you can do because the last thing you want to see is someone you care about hurt. I'm not all that good at letting people in again and again. Some say I walk away too easily and I just shut the person out. I move on so quickly sometimes because sitting here and thinking about over and over just makes me upset. I've been told I can be one of the coldest people at times, and at others I've been called one of the sweetness and nicest. I guess it depends on the person and the friendship involved. When I walk away, I usually stay gone. Their have been exceptions, but those have been few. I have had the same real life friends since I was in 1st and 7th grade. We don't talk much now, but I still care about them. My best friend since junior high just called a week or two ago to tell me she gave birth to her first son as I mentioned here the night she called.

You can also have the opposite which can happen. Two people that have no real rhyme or reason to why their friendships ended. Things just drifted apart. There was no argument. No fight to put some big end. At one time the two were so close that you thought the friendship would never end. It did though, and both are left to wonder why. They each think the other hates him, and it couldn't be further from the truth. I saw this happen just recently. I'm calling it my own Christmas miracle. Two friends. Both my best friends. I met one through the other, and they hadn't spoken in what could be close to two years now. Maybe longer. I'm not sure. I played matchmaker and brought the two of them back together on Christmas Eve. I usually don't do that because it could sometimes end up badly, but this time I have a good feeling these two will be okay. They were too close at one point to not be okay. Just seeing them talking again made me happy. Sometimes it is the little things like that happening that make things good in life, even if only in that moment.

I hope all you had a wonderful Christmas for those that celebrate it. If I'm not back before the end of the year, Happy New Year as well.

450. Circle of life

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I was talking to a friend the other night, and he was telling me how the father of his friend had passed away suddenly back on Friday night. Not even an hour later, my best friend since junior high called me to tell me she had given birth to her first child, a boy. He was a bit early, and there was a few complications. He will be okay though, and he should be out of the NICU in a week or so. He was also born on Friday night around the same time. It made me think of the circle of life. People die and babies are born every day. Souls are brought into this world just as soon as they leave it. It is never ending. You never know which breath will be your last, but you aren't supposed to know really. You're just supposed to live each day like it may be your very last. Laugh as much as you can, cry when you have to and just breathe life in.

A friend of mine had surgery yesterday. Its minor surgery in the grand scheme of things, but even something could happen with the most minor of surgeries. I'm waiting on word from her, and it is made more difficult because this is mostly an online contact. We speak on the phone every day, but she wouldn't have her phone with her. So I'm worried. I know she'll be okay, but it is making me worry nonetheless. It's kind of funny though how one person can sort of help push aside differences when it really matters. Plus, it is the holiday season, and that has a tendency to bring people together as will.

Life is just crazy sometimes. The world keeps spinning. People keep dying. Babies keep getting born into this world. You live your life day to day because you have no other choice. It is your life, and only you can live it. I'm not much into the holiday spirit this year, but I'm not much of a holiday person. I try though because trying is all one really can do. I'm happy for the new life entering this world, sad for the one that left it, and worried for the friend I thought I had lost but I've only begun to know again after two years apart. So many emotions. They are all mixed together to make one big mess called my life.

448. And its December!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

It seems every month or so, I take a break from blogging. I don't even mean to. It just ends up happening. I am thinking it happens either when I have nothing I have to say, I have something to say but I don't know how to say it, or I'm just too busy with other aspects of my life to give it the real attention it deserves. I think this recent break is due to a combination of the last two. This time of year always seems to get to me. I haven't been much of a holiday person since my late teens. It is just harder for me to get into the spirit of things, but I do make an attempt to. No matter how small that attempt may end up being, I do try.

This passed weekend was my father's eighty-first birthday. It was a low key kind of day. We really didn't do much of anything, but we really didn't need to. We spent the day with him. My brother and I live with him, so that's what we did. He has other children that live off in California, and only one sent him a birthday card. No calls. No other cards. He's eighty-one, and since we've all lost our mother you think we would know just how quickly he could be gone from us. It bothered me a little. I know relationships aren't exactly the best, but he's dad. He won't be around us forever. It would have been nice for them to show at least a small amount of effort. The one card that was sent didn't even arrive on time. I know I'm not the best daughter, but I'm here when it counts, and I'm the one staying with him to make sure he is okay in whatever amount of years he even has left.

The past couple of weeks have been spent throwing myself into writing in one form or another. I had a bit of an idea bite me for a story, but I got a paragraph in, and the words faded away. I always called myself a fiction writer, but I'm wondering if that is changing. I saw my writing horoscope a few days ago, and it mentioned something about a shift in focus in my writing, and I guess I really have shifted. Any storytelling I am doing is now in my interactive fiction with a few partners I've discovered around. I know I've seen an improvement in my fictional writing in those endeavors, so I'm thinking I stick to it, and I allow my fiction to return if it is going to. I've seen to found some small success with my non-fiction efforts. I'm just having a problem finding one steady position that will allow me the ability to make a living or contribute to that in any case. One never becomes a writer to make a steady income anyway.

I'll be back soon with some thoughts on television lately. December television hiatus is just about on us. I'm saving some shows on my DVR to watch in the weeks ahead, so I'm not bored silly!

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