I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

music: jack's mannequin "the resolution"

Things should be good. Things should be better than good. They should be great, and in many ways they are, but as it often happens one thing manages to screw everything else. It doesn't matter that you have so many freaking things to be happy about, you want this one thing too. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much out of people. I expect things to work our like they are meant to, but sometimes it takes me longer to realize how they are meant to work out and how I want them to work out are two entirely different things.

Friendships are hard, but relationships are harder. They are not my favorite thing. I'll admit it. I'm the quiet one in the corner. The girl that has talked to the same people for years because they have somehow managed to stick around for it all. Those are the ones that I depend on. I had one friend, a girl I met when she was 17, and she was the biggest brat. She still is, but we don't talk anymore. As much as I cared about her, it would never work. A friendship would never work, but there are still moments I'll think about her and I'll miss her.

I know how to reach out and find her if I want to. She is right at my fingertips, a quickly typed email and we would be reconnected, but I always hold back from it. I look back at the past, and no matter how good it might have been, there was too much bad. That bad outweighed everything else. This weekend was one of those times I wanted to reach out, but I didn't. Everything in my life is so crazy.

I have this friend. One I was hoping would become more, but too much going on, too much stress, and too much ... everything just got in the way. It still is. Just when I think it might be okay and it might settle down and be alright. Something else comes up. It is a circle, always repeating. The same bullshit there. I'm tempted to walk away completely. My friends tell me I'm crazy and I need to just end it all and walk away, but I'm stubborn. I don't give up easily.

It took me six years to give up on the other friend in my life. I don't want to be doing this for six years. I can't take it. My heart can't take it. I put so much into the people in my life. I put just as much into my writing and the characters I create. I love to write. I love the connections I've made while writing, and some of those people are my closest friends now. I'm one that is too often lost in my own head, lost in the characters I've created, the ones I've put time and effort and heart into, breathed them into life. I want to write more, but my moods are on a roller coaster.

I know I need to get off, but at the same time I'm not so willing to just give up and throw in the towel. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know how to break away without walking away completely. Doing that just hurts, and I don't want to be the girl a year ago wanting to reach out and missing someone with this new person in my life. I don't have the solution or the answers and I wish I did.

Finding My Way Back To Sanity

Thursday, September 17, 2009

music: lifehouse "breathing"

Four and a half years ago when I first started this blog, I didn't think it would still be here. No, I don't write it in like I used to, but I want to change that. The thing I loved most about blogging is that I can say anything I want here. It is my safe place. My opinions, my thoughts, my dreams all reside here. It is me being me here. The Internet can be a crazy place. I've met a lot of people here on the Internet. I've tried to date people online, but it never seems to work. Not sure who fault that is. My own? The other side of the equation. It is hard to really tell. At the end of the day, we're all looking for someone to love us. Love us for the person we are. The good and the bad. I hide who I am a lot, but here I don't.

I'm just a woman writing a blog. I'm thirty-three years old, and I live in Arizona with my dad and my brother. We have a cat that is turning four in a few months. We didn't think he would last a month. He was a pound kitty, and he became ill the week after we brought him home. I had just him a week, but I stayed by his side until the worst of it passed. I haven't had the best of luck with cats. Bobo ran around close to four years ago now, and JJ died two years ago this month. Both broke my heart. Mikey is my little angel baby though.

I've had a lot going on the past couple of months. I've been exhausted, stressed, sick, and more. I tried and failed with someone, and now I can barely talk to her. That happens in life. I'm just tired of it happening. I'm being distracted by conversation with someone, so more soon!

Capricorn - 30 Seconds To Mars

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

And my last song to share with you is Capricorn by 30 Seconds To Mars. The group led by Jared Leto. I've been a fan of their music since I first heard Echelon played over the end credits of The Core, a movie most of you might not be familiar. I fell in love with the song though, and I am more than excited for their next record, This Is War. That should be heading into stores in October, a few weeks before the release of the latest record from my all-time favorite Bon Jovi. The Circle will hit stores on November 10th. I can't wait for either release!

Edit: This Is War release date is November 24th, and somehow my blog has been labeled as a spam blog in their system. Four years with this blog, and that is so strange.

The Fray - Heartless

Yes, I know this is a cover, and it is one of the best covers I've seen in quite some time. I was able to see The Fray live in concert back in July. It was one of the best shows I have seen in quite some time. This cover performed live owned me, and after just watching this video for the song, I only love it anymore. The Fray is definitely one of my top three bands, and this cover is one of the reasons.

Broken By Lifehouse

I've been stuck on this song for close to a year now. The video is from the movie The Time Traveler's Wife, which is an amazing novel, and I loved what they did with the movie adaption. Of course, I'm a fan of Eric Bana, so that helped some. The movie had me in tears for a good thirty minutes as it came to its conclusion. The song is beautiful, and it is definitely one of my all time favorites. I've always been a huge fan of anything by Lifehouse though.

Life as I know it

I have more to say, but I don't even know where to begin. I go through months where I have so much I want to say, but that hasn't happened in a long time. I met someone back over Christmas. We connected, and things seemed to go quite well for a few months, and all of that changed this summer. I'm not even sure how. Too much stress. Too many problems.

When there is too much of something I tend to walk away, shut off the emotion that is there and move on. I know that isn't the healthiest thing to do, but it is what I do. I focus on my work, what little of it that I do have, and that is that. I haven't even been listening to music much lately, and that was something I always used to do. Things are just changing. Maybe I should post some of the songs I have been stuck on lately. I'll do that in a bit.

Where does time go?

Here we are on September 1st. I know I haven't been doing very well at keeping this blog up like I used to be! I'm sorry for that. I'm still here. Still around. Been occupying myself with other things. Life, writing, people, an attempt at a relationship that I'm not quite sure worked, but what can you do? I'm still trying to figure that one out. There are good days, and there are bad days. I'm sure we've all experienced those. I'm going to make an effort to bring this blog back to life now. I think its time.

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