I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

music: jack's mannequin "the resolution"

Things should be good. Things should be better than good. They should be great, and in many ways they are, but as it often happens one thing manages to screw everything else. It doesn't matter that you have so many freaking things to be happy about, you want this one thing too. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much out of people. I expect things to work our like they are meant to, but sometimes it takes me longer to realize how they are meant to work out and how I want them to work out are two entirely different things.

Friendships are hard, but relationships are harder. They are not my favorite thing. I'll admit it. I'm the quiet one in the corner. The girl that has talked to the same people for years because they have somehow managed to stick around for it all. Those are the ones that I depend on. I had one friend, a girl I met when she was 17, and she was the biggest brat. She still is, but we don't talk anymore. As much as I cared about her, it would never work. A friendship would never work, but there are still moments I'll think about her and I'll miss her.

I know how to reach out and find her if I want to. She is right at my fingertips, a quickly typed email and we would be reconnected, but I always hold back from it. I look back at the past, and no matter how good it might have been, there was too much bad. That bad outweighed everything else. This weekend was one of those times I wanted to reach out, but I didn't. Everything in my life is so crazy.

I have this friend. One I was hoping would become more, but too much going on, too much stress, and too much ... everything just got in the way. It still is. Just when I think it might be okay and it might settle down and be alright. Something else comes up. It is a circle, always repeating. The same bullshit there. I'm tempted to walk away completely. My friends tell me I'm crazy and I need to just end it all and walk away, but I'm stubborn. I don't give up easily.

It took me six years to give up on the other friend in my life. I don't want to be doing this for six years. I can't take it. My heart can't take it. I put so much into the people in my life. I put just as much into my writing and the characters I create. I love to write. I love the connections I've made while writing, and some of those people are my closest friends now. I'm one that is too often lost in my own head, lost in the characters I've created, the ones I've put time and effort and heart into, breathed them into life. I want to write more, but my moods are on a roller coaster.

I know I need to get off, but at the same time I'm not so willing to just give up and throw in the towel. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know how to break away without walking away completely. Doing that just hurts, and I don't want to be the girl a year ago wanting to reach out and missing someone with this new person in my life. I don't have the solution or the answers and I wish I did.