Try so hard to get out of the way of that runaway train.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

music: incubus

Why the urge to update this? It is the middle of the night, and I am wide awake. My hours of sleep are by no means normal or standard. I grab pieces of sleep here and there. Up early enough to have it still be dark out, and sleeping while the sun is still bright in the sky. A writer's work is never done, and that is what I am. The past twelve months have been a combination of highs and lows. Good and bad mixes all together. I didn't know at this time last year that I was spending the last few months I would with my father. November 11th came and took him from me. He became ill before that, but it was still sudden. We didn't really know how bad it was until October hit because he decided to hide the fact he was that sick from my brother and I. Watching someone you love go from the strong man that was working until he was 83 to the man that can't even get out of bed to walk the short distance from his bed to the bathroom is a hard thing to do.

My brother and I watched our father wither away right in front of us, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. We took him to the hospital, and five days later there was a cop at our door telling us he had died. The hospital said they couldn't reach us by phone when the phone hadn't rang once that night. The events since his death sound like a bad horror novel. His body was lost. We still don't have his ashes or a death certificate. No service with loved ones was had. Not that my father cared about any of that. He wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted to be with my mother. She died sixteen years ago, and he was waiting for the day that he could be with her again. He is with her now. I am confident of that.

Since his death, my brother and I have worked to keep things together. Working freelance seems to be feast or famine, but I do okay. I could live on my own in a room or small apartment somewhere, but my brother and I stick it out together. We have our tempers and our angry moments, but things are good about 80% of the time. It is us and the cat. My life is spent writing. Working to make ends meet. Missing my father and my mother that left us long before him. I haven't spoken to my one brother in months, and I don't know how long we'll even have him on this planet with health and heart condition.

Life goes on. Some days are harder than others. Some days try to break me. The death was too sudden. It left this huge whole. At least with my mother, she was ill for years before her body finally gave out. My father kept the fact he had emphysema to himself. His lungs were destroyed slowly, and he smoked until weeks before his death. Thing is he knew what he was doing. We didn't. PSA of the day. Don't smoke. It does kill. My father is proof of that. Yes, life does go on, but it is the heart that breaks a little bit day by day. I go on though.

Moody Monday - 4/12/10 - Water

Monday, April 12, 2010

Back From The Dead - Maybe - Maybe Not.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It has been a long time since I've written in here. A long time since I've even logged in here. When I made this blog five years ago, I didn't think it would last a week. Here it sits five years later with way too many memories attached to it. I hate that it just sets here, but time is short, and I don't remember this blog first anymore. I even forget my twitter account half the time!

I'm on Twitter. I now have a Tumblr as well. I am still writing with Gather as one of their social writers. I started with that site in October, and I am quite happy covering entertainment and celebrity gossip topics for them. I'm finally doing what I set out to do almost ten years ago. I'm finally making a livable monthly income from my writing. It is hard work, but I see the numbers and that hard work paying off now. If things continue on this way, I could afford my own place and live on my own. That isn't in my plans though because I'm here to take care of dad. I can just help out more now with the stable income I have coming in. Knocks on wood that it stays that way.

As for, I am no longer writing my blogs for them. I stopped writing them in January when the company went to rev share only payment plan. That is unpredictable, and I'd rather know for sure I am making money each month than counting on advertising and clicks. I enjoyed my time at Today, and I enjoyed the blogs I wrote for that site. My focus is now on Gather though.

My days are busy and full, and I miss my fiction writing efforts. It comes down to having enough time to do it all at the end of the day, but I tell myself to give fiction another go. Did send out a short story in August, but it wasn't accepted. I know my fiction needs work.

Personally, things are better. A few rough spots here and there, but that is life. My days are spent working, taking care of dad, spoiling my cat, and living life. I'm going to try to make more of an effort to update here. We'll see if I can manage it. I did add my Tumblr feed to my sidebar here. I do update that often, and my Gather posts filter through it as well if you want to keep up on the latest in entertainment!

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

music: jack's mannequin "the resolution"

Things should be good. Things should be better than good. They should be great, and in many ways they are, but as it often happens one thing manages to screw everything else. It doesn't matter that you have so many freaking things to be happy about, you want this one thing too. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much out of people. I expect things to work our like they are meant to, but sometimes it takes me longer to realize how they are meant to work out and how I want them to work out are two entirely different things.

Friendships are hard, but relationships are harder. They are not my favorite thing. I'll admit it. I'm the quiet one in the corner. The girl that has talked to the same people for years because they have somehow managed to stick around for it all. Those are the ones that I depend on. I had one friend, a girl I met when she was 17, and she was the biggest brat. She still is, but we don't talk anymore. As much as I cared about her, it would never work. A friendship would never work, but there are still moments I'll think about her and I'll miss her.

I know how to reach out and find her if I want to. She is right at my fingertips, a quickly typed email and we would be reconnected, but I always hold back from it. I look back at the past, and no matter how good it might have been, there was too much bad. That bad outweighed everything else. This weekend was one of those times I wanted to reach out, but I didn't. Everything in my life is so crazy.

I have this friend. One I was hoping would become more, but too much going on, too much stress, and too much ... everything just got in the way. It still is. Just when I think it might be okay and it might settle down and be alright. Something else comes up. It is a circle, always repeating. The same bullshit there. I'm tempted to walk away completely. My friends tell me I'm crazy and I need to just end it all and walk away, but I'm stubborn. I don't give up easily.

It took me six years to give up on the other friend in my life. I don't want to be doing this for six years. I can't take it. My heart can't take it. I put so much into the people in my life. I put just as much into my writing and the characters I create. I love to write. I love the connections I've made while writing, and some of those people are my closest friends now. I'm one that is too often lost in my own head, lost in the characters I've created, the ones I've put time and effort and heart into, breathed them into life. I want to write more, but my moods are on a roller coaster.

I know I need to get off, but at the same time I'm not so willing to just give up and throw in the towel. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know how to break away without walking away completely. Doing that just hurts, and I don't want to be the girl a year ago wanting to reach out and missing someone with this new person in my life. I don't have the solution or the answers and I wish I did.

Finding My Way Back To Sanity

Thursday, September 17, 2009

music: lifehouse "breathing"

Four and a half years ago when I first started this blog, I didn't think it would still be here. No, I don't write it in like I used to, but I want to change that. The thing I loved most about blogging is that I can say anything I want here. It is my safe place. My opinions, my thoughts, my dreams all reside here. It is me being me here. The Internet can be a crazy place. I've met a lot of people here on the Internet. I've tried to date people online, but it never seems to work. Not sure who fault that is. My own? The other side of the equation. It is hard to really tell. At the end of the day, we're all looking for someone to love us. Love us for the person we are. The good and the bad. I hide who I am a lot, but here I don't.

I'm just a woman writing a blog. I'm thirty-three years old, and I live in Arizona with my dad and my brother. We have a cat that is turning four in a few months. We didn't think he would last a month. He was a pound kitty, and he became ill the week after we brought him home. I had just him a week, but I stayed by his side until the worst of it passed. I haven't had the best of luck with cats. Bobo ran around close to four years ago now, and JJ died two years ago this month. Both broke my heart. Mikey is my little angel baby though.

I've had a lot going on the past couple of months. I've been exhausted, stressed, sick, and more. I tried and failed with someone, and now I can barely talk to her. That happens in life. I'm just tired of it happening. I'm being distracted by conversation with someone, so more soon!

Capricorn - 30 Seconds To Mars

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

And my last song to share with you is Capricorn by 30 Seconds To Mars. The group led by Jared Leto. I've been a fan of their music since I first heard Echelon played over the end credits of The Core, a movie most of you might not be familiar. I fell in love with the song though, and I am more than excited for their next record, This Is War. That should be heading into stores in October, a few weeks before the release of the latest record from my all-time favorite Bon Jovi. The Circle will hit stores on November 10th. I can't wait for either release!

Edit: This Is War release date is November 24th, and somehow my blog has been labeled as a spam blog in their system. Four years with this blog, and that is so strange.

The Fray - Heartless

Yes, I know this is a cover, and it is one of the best covers I've seen in quite some time. I was able to see The Fray live in concert back in July. It was one of the best shows I have seen in quite some time. This cover performed live owned me, and after just watching this video for the song, I only love it anymore. The Fray is definitely one of my top three bands, and this cover is one of the reasons.

Broken By Lifehouse

I've been stuck on this song for close to a year now. The video is from the movie The Time Traveler's Wife, which is an amazing novel, and I loved what they did with the movie adaption. Of course, I'm a fan of Eric Bana, so that helped some. The movie had me in tears for a good thirty minutes as it came to its conclusion. The song is beautiful, and it is definitely one of my all time favorites. I've always been a huge fan of anything by Lifehouse though.

Life as I know it

I have more to say, but I don't even know where to begin. I go through months where I have so much I want to say, but that hasn't happened in a long time. I met someone back over Christmas. We connected, and things seemed to go quite well for a few months, and all of that changed this summer. I'm not even sure how. Too much stress. Too many problems.

When there is too much of something I tend to walk away, shut off the emotion that is there and move on. I know that isn't the healthiest thing to do, but it is what I do. I focus on my work, what little of it that I do have, and that is that. I haven't even been listening to music much lately, and that was something I always used to do. Things are just changing. Maybe I should post some of the songs I have been stuck on lately. I'll do that in a bit.

Where does time go?

Here we are on September 1st. I know I haven't been doing very well at keeping this blog up like I used to be! I'm sorry for that. I'm still here. Still around. Been occupying myself with other things. Life, writing, people, an attempt at a relationship that I'm not quite sure worked, but what can you do? I'm still trying to figure that one out. There are good days, and there are bad days. I'm sure we've all experienced those. I'm going to make an effort to bring this blog back to life now. I think its time.

I miss something ...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I miss writing here, and I know I've gone quiet, but I'm now going to make an effort to change that. This blog has been there for me since 2005. I've gone through employment with various sites since that time, but this blog hasn't gone anywhere. It is only the time that was lacking. The time I put elsewhere to focus on other things.

Now I need to put my focus back here. This blog is never going anywhere. It is my home here on the Internet. The place where I've shared all of my thoughts. My successes and my down times. All of that is in this blog. I'm actually feeling good about my writing right now. Not everything is positive, but as it in my life not all of life is good.

I need to focus on the good in life, and that has always been how I've been. I miss writing fiction. I actually thought of a few ideas. Some fan fiction. Some not. We'll see what I can crank out. I need to take advantage of life when I can.

Been awhile!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

It has been awhile since I checked in here. Life has been keeping me busy lately. Today I thought my cat had broke my computer. I came home from an afternoon out with my dad, and my computer wouldn't turn out. He had somehow loosened the wire for my monitor from the back of my computer. Not sure how he did that, but it took me 10 minutes to figure out he had, and another fifteen for the computer to work. Animals can be a pain, but I love my cat. A lot. This afternoon's trip was a day out with dad to the church fair. The economy has even hit the churches because prices are high. Promise to be better about this.

Alive and Well

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Yes, I know it has been some time since I've been here. I'm still here. January is just not a good month for me at all. In fact, it is safe to say that I hate the month of January completely. Although my birthday is in the mix, it is just a bad month.

It wasn't so bad this month, but still not great. I always breathe this whole sigh of relief when the month is over. So I'm still here. I need to live more I know. I am definitely working on that now. Between the month, issues at work and family issues, I've just been drained beyond belief. It happens to the best of us.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Been a bit missing, but I've been working hard again while getting over the last bit of the flu and cold I had this month. I'm all better now, and I am here to wish all of you that stop by on a regular basis a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am also happy to announce a new blog of mine just started this week - The Paranormal World. This blog will focus on all things unexplained! Stop by and take a look.

Much With The Sick

Monday, November 17, 2008

First, it was the flu. Then the men in the house caught colds, and they decided to share them with me. Yes, I know! How thoughtful of them. That explains why I have been so missing in action the last couple of weeks. I've been busy enough just trying to work and nap in breaks. I hate getting sick. I know we all hate getting sick, but I really hate it.

Things have been quiet for the most part. I've been working, writing and keeping myself busy anyway I can. My dad fell in the shower back on Saturday, so he's going to the doctor today. You want to talk about a loud crash?! There was one when he fell. New people moved into my old apartment next door. It's kind of weird knowing someone else is sitting in my bedroom and staring at my ceiling.

I know it really isn't my bedroom anymore, but I lived there for thirteen years. That is a really long time, and when I saw someone had moved in, it was just an odd feeling. It will pass. I like my new apartment. Remember all those problems I used to have with my cable internet dropping every morning - right around this time actually, 10-11am? Don't have those any more. My connection hasn't dropped once since September actually. It is the small things really.

And November Begins

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Been out of it for a bit. I was sick the last time I wrote in here, and then Monday morning I woke up sick with the flu. I thought I might even have to go to the emergency room or doctor at some point. I was that sick. I'm on the mend now thankfully, but it was one tough week. I spent most of the first three days in bed, and the last two days wanting to be in bed. I don't have that complete luxury though. I've had work to do. Work needs to get done.

I do have some good news though. On Monday, I was hired on to run two new celebrity gossip sites. These are a bit most focused than what I'm doing currently. I'm the new writer behind All Things Britney and All Things Lindsay. Two of the biggest pop princesses with lives that just need following. Both have new CD's on the way out, and if they aren't doing something their families are. I'm excited to be given the chance to talk about them both and share them with my readers.

I'm still as busy as ever with Celebrity Today and Teevieo as well. I have some plans coming up for Celebrity Today in the weeks ahead. More DVD reviews, and some great giveaways too. If you're someone that follows that blog, you'll be in on all the action. Right now, I need to get back to work. It never ends!

Hold My Calls Please

Thursday, October 23, 2008

That was me yesterday. I didn't feel well at all. I did what I needed to do, and then I grabbed a DVD and laid in bed off and on until I felt better. Well, at least I had a new DVD to keep me occupied.

Yesterday, I received the box set for The 4400 in the mail to review for Celebrity Today.  I'd heard a lot about the series, but I had never found the time to watch it. I was able to watch season one yesterday, and I am continuing on today with season two.

Good news on the home front. We might have a car in the house by the end of the day. Never know how much you miss a car until you don't have one. I don't drive, but my family does. Makes it so much easier to go places when you have a car!

I feel much better today. Not perfect, but better. Back to work with me!

Things To Ponder

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Today while I was doing my daily Entrecard drops, I came across a post titled 10 reasons your blog sucks. A bit of a strong statement, but some blog aren't as fancy as others. Some do this clearly just for fun, and are not serious about it. They pop in when they can.

After reading the list though, I discovered blogs that did one or more of the things on the list. I'll even be honest and say I've done a few of those things on the list myself. We are guilty of letting our blogs go from time to time. Life gets in the way.

I was thinking about it, and I've had this blog going for nearly four years now. That is a long time. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this blog going. I always seem to have something to say. I have my quiet moments to though. I think everyone is like that at the end of the day. We all have our moments.

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