07. Endlessly searching for an original sin

Monday, April 04, 2005

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or, you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you are willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular."

If anyone happened to catch tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy, the quote above is the narration by the character Meredith Grey, who I am growing to love. I really think the show is quite good, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it. My heart still belongs to ER, but I am at least opening myself to a new show. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Look who is talking? When am I not thinking? Anyone that knows me knows I am a thinker. I am lost in my head and my thoughts 90% of the time, and I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. More so than usual, and I'm really starting to put things into some type of perspective for me. Gina needs to stop living for other people, and start living for herself.

Yes, I just talked about myself in third person. Honestly, I sit here wondering if anyone understands the mindset I am currently in at the moment. I'm in a weird state of being because really when it comes right down to it at this time I am content with my life as it is. I had to take a giant step back in order to find what I needed to do for me, and now I am trying to figure out exactly how I go about doing that. I am tired of the drama on this online world. I want away from it, and I want to not have to deal with it. However, I don't want to leave the people here behind. Sometimes I say to myself that I do. I tell myself and perhaps even tell others I am done because I am done in a sense.

I'm tired of the constant battles I witness on a daily basis. Don't people realize that their is more to this world than this? Well, hello here is your wake up call. Open your eyes and smell the coffee. The world is not just here. It is away from here, and there is more than the words that are here on this screen. This is just font and letters put together. What I have to say in this journal really doesn't mean much because it just gives you one look at me and who I am. Do you really know who I am? You know who I let you see. There is more to me than this. There is more to me than the words that I place here in this white box.

It seems that no matter where you go, there is always a chance of someone causing you trouble in this online world. They feel that just because their is a computer screen in between the two of you they can't suffer any consequences for their actions or their words. No one can touch them just because they are just words on a screen. If only that were true. It doesn't matter if the interaction is through this medium or face to face. The words can still sting and hurt.

Life is messy. Things happen every single day. People die. People argue. People hurt. It doesn't matter, but when all of this happens just through this medium, the Internet. That is when you have to think about what happens. Why does it happen? Would it happen if the interaction was more face to face than computer to computer? More than likely not. It is a lot easier for people to fight dirty with words if they are face to face. Especially if they know that if things go to far their will be consequences.

There is just so much out there. Out in the world. Why fence yourself in to one place or way of life? Branch out and live more. Live and not just survive. There is a difference you know? Surviving day to day is when you just go through the motions because they are so ingrained in you. Living is when you go past those everyday things and do more, experience more, try more.

What do you do? Do you live or do you survive?