19. Do you ever feel like you want a do over?

Friday, April 22, 2005

Some days, especially days like today, I wish I could go back to bed and start the day over. It was one of those days destined to be crappy. I went to bed feeling under the weather even. Had trouble sleeping because of it, and then I woke up to some mess online. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. One that is all serious and quiet, not all really too social, and this other person that is outgoing and silly. I can be both people depending on my mood and day. Which is totally kind of weird to me.

How can I be so different from one day to the next? My first love is my writing of course and talking about that with other writers is something I enjoy doing. I have friends that I've made elsewhere, and I'm totally different with them at times. Like I said it is weird to me.It kind of makes me think of the monologue Meredith had during this past weekend's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I'm an avid fan of the show, and Meredith is my favorite character. Although Izzie comes in a close second, especially after her little scene this past weekend in the locker room. Anyway, back to what Meredith said:

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for 'here are my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy.' It's both desired and feared. Difficult to live with and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to life's three R's: relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape, and other things you just don't want to know I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of a guide that can tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming. But I don't know how you would fit it on the map. You take it where you can get it --and keep it for as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacies are something you have to define for yourself."

Personally, I'm not the most social of people. I don't have many offline friends, and I'm not one to just talk to anyone and everyone online either. Intimacy and finding that with people, is something that doesn't come all that easy for me. It takes a lot for me to open up and let people in when it comes to my personal life. Even if this blog, I haven't gotten all too too personal. I mention my life, but I don't put every detail of my life on display.

Sometimes I do wish their was some kind of rulebook for intimacy, and how to do things in relationships, even if they are just friendships. Then perhaps little messy situations wouldn't pop up like the one I had today. It was a minor situation, and I handled it as best as I could, but it still put quite a bit of distraction to my day. Not only that, but I'm still feeling under the weather.

Sometimes I just wish life was just a little bit easier. That their were enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do with my life. I want people close to me, but it seems as soon as they get too close I push them away. Another thing about myself that I'm trying to work on changing. I just want to write, and share those words I let escape my head onto my screen be seen and shared with those around me. Guess I need to work on that.

I'm the type of person that is easily distracted from what I need to. i need to write. I need to write more and more, and I let myself get distracted from that so easily. Something definitely need to work on. Right now, I need to grab dinner!


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