34. Open your mind and you're free ...

Monday, May 09, 2005

Mood: calm
Music: Illusions - Ryan Cabrera

This was one of those interesting weekends. Not so much for the whole of it, but the way it ended. I was really down this weekend, as you could see by earlier entries this weekend here. This weekend is usually not the best, but I deal with it. I was able to get a page or two done in my gay romance WIP,and I looked over Paradise. I kept trying to figure out why it wasn't grabbing me, and if it was just me being overly critical because of my mood. So I sent it off to someone else to look at it, and they came back with much of the same things I was thinking about when I looked at it. He needs a lot of work, and I might need to go back to the beginning with the story and start over. Seeing that brought my mood even lower for a little bit, but then something else happened. A blast from my past so to speak.

I'm sure we all have people that were once in your life that were important to you and that you cared about deeply. No matter how much you cared though and no matter how much you did love being around them, they were more of a negative for you than a positive. I've had one of those, and they decided to contact me last night out of the blue. The last time we spoke was a little over a month ago, and it was odd to hear from them. They left me a comment to my personal journal just to see if I was okay. My first reaction usually when this person comments now is to freeze, but I didn't do that this time. I actually held a brief conversation, and I let them know in a roundabout way I was doing better without them. Which ended the conversation.

If this was a week ago, the reaction and how I handled it might have been different. It showed me something though. Them commenting me showed me I'm a lot stronger than I was, even a month ago. Earlier this morning before I went off to bed, Jill made an entry about the traits we'd like to gift society with. I said:

  • No matter what seems to happen in my life or what life decides to throw at me, I may fall to the ground, but in the end I pick myself back up and dust myself off. I think I got that from my mom, and I wish I could make others like that as well. Yes, things can happen. Bad things. Good things. Its all in how you deal with those things that makes who you are.

I always seem to be able to do that. I've had many people come and go in my life, and things have happened that would make most people throw in the towel and just call 'game over,' but I always seem to come out on top or at least better for it. I learn from my experiences. I learn from the things people seem to throw at me. I take those events, and sometimes use those feelings and emotions in my writing.

Writing isn't an easy thing to do. I've been writing in one form or another, and I'm still trying to make it. I think a lot of my time spent is being too hard on myself, too critical on my writing. I'm trying to work on that. I should probably let others judge my writing and not myself. At least for now. I thought about grabbing another CP too. Six eyes are better than two.

Days like today with Helen Kay's call entry show me that if you keep at it and pursue your writing it can happen. Just got to keep it up. I think for now I'm going to work on a few short contest entries due in the next few weeks. I don't think I'm going to make it in time for Phaze's contest. Paradise needs a lot of work.


Suzanne said...

It'll happen, Gina. Hang in there!!!

Gina said...

Thanks, Suzanne! Nothing good comes easy.

Steph T. said...

If you trust your two CP's - I'd stick with them. I think the most important thing is not to lose your own sense of trust in your work - and sometimes that happens with too many crit partners. It's that saying - 'if you try and please everyone you'll end up pleasing no one.' (I think it's Bill Cosby - got it from Jo Leigh's blog.) Anyway - from one struggling writer to another - keep at it! *g*

chryscat said...

There is major strength in character to keep pulling yourself up no matter what. And to take those things and use them for good, it doesn't get any better.
People who are negative are often addictive, and it's very hard to let them go. But you seem stronger for the experience, and that is what's important.

Gina said...

Steph,, I actually only have the one CP right now. I was thinking of looking for a second. I'll keep at it. You do too. Thank you.

Crystal, yes, they are addictive because you do care for them, and want them in your life, but then the negative starts, and it pulls you down too.

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