355. The Pain Still Grows

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I posted this to my personal journal the other night, and I debated posting it here until now. It's a bit more personal and raw than most of my entries, but it is me. I posted it publicly there, so why not post it here too. So there might be one or two who have already seen this before. That is what scroll is for. I picked up the Miami Vice soundtrack, and I seem to be stuck on the first track, In The Air Tonight. I don't know. I think it just fit things. I'm looking forward to seeing the movie tomorrow too.

Originally posted: July 26th, 2006 @ 12:49 am

Do you ever notice how people don't really change, even when they say that they do? Day in and day out. Month in and month out they are still bitching and moaning about the same shit they were bitching about last week, month, year etc. There comes a point when you get tired of listening to it or reading it, depending on where the interaction is taking place. You watch as life goes on, and it ends up being the same shit on a different day, and you have to wonder if things will ever change or if they will ever change?

Change is inevitable. It happens no matter you do to stop it. Day in and day out things change, even the smallest of things change. However some people really don't change. They keep wallowing in whatever shit they got going on, and you're just left their to stand in wonder. You may not talk to them for months, and that doesn't matter because the same shit is there.Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I've lost one too many friends. Maybe I've stopped giving a fuck. I come online, and I work. I come online and I role play. That's about it.

I talk to no one except for one or two people, and it has gotten to the point where my own friends feel like strangers. This place doesn't feel right anymore. The people around me don't feel right anymore. I let one in, and they left. It's happened before, and I know it will happen again. Someone blind sides you, and you're not sure where to go next. This happened months ago, and it really just hit that this person I totally trusted just vanished. Oh well. Boo hoo. Sob Sob. Get the fuck over it right?

Maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back. Maybe it had to happen for some unknown God forsaken reason. Who knows? I'm at the point where I've stopped caring. I'm tired of putting in my all to just watch people walk away. At least give me some warning before you up and vanish. It would be very much appreciated you know. Usually there is some kind of argument before things go to shit. Its when there is nothing that you're left to wonder. Oh well. Then again, the next one to vanish might just be me.

Back to change. Do people ever truly change? Or is that same person you've always been still there, lurking beneath the surface. We're all a million and one things. We're all unique. We have our good moments and our bad ones. All those little moments together is what makes life. It's what makes us who we are, but do we ever really change? Or are we just fooling ourselves. Maybe I'm expecting too much of people. Maybe I'm expecting them to change when in the end they really won't change. Maybe I'm the one that needs to change.

I've always believed you're the only one in charge of you, your own happiness lies in your hands, and no one elses. If something is making you unhappy, then you are the only one that can fix it. Yet, what if the solution to fix it is something you don't totally want to do. On the other hand, doing it is the only way things will be right. You're caught between a rock and a hard place. Nowhere to turn. No where to go. Not too fun is it?